The Vows We Make
The Vows We Make
We are all familiar with vows.
Vows are the solemn promises we make—consciously or unconsciously—to someone, something, or even to ourselves. When made intentionally, vows can create a safe and solid foundation for our lives and relationships.
Most often, we think of vows in the context of weddings. “With these vows, I thee wed” is perhaps the most recognizable phrase. But if we take the concept beyond marriage, we begin to see that our earliest and most impactful vows are often the ones we make in childhood—quiet, unseen, and subconscious.
These subconscious vows are rarely helpful. They are usually emotional overreactions to a moment we didn’t fully understand. Yet they shape the way we express ourselves, protect ourselves, and move through the world.
And we all make them.
A Simple Example
Imagine a 3-year-old child who has just learned a catchy jingle from TV. Thrilled, he sings it loudly and joyfully—over and over and over. Eventually, from the other room, his mother, exhausted, calls out, “Can you just be quiet? Stop—you’re driving me crazy!”
Her reaction startles him.
He doesn’t understand the words, but he feels her energy. He freezes. His takeaway: It’s safer to be quiet than to risk upsetting someone I love.
And so he makes a subconscious vow:
“I will watch how I express myself.”
Within minutes, life moves on. Dinner is served. The moment is forgotten—except by the child’s nervous system. That vow gets tucked away, shaping how he shows up long before he ever realizes it.
When Childhood Promises Become Lifelong Patterns
This kind of vow-making happens thousands of times as we grow. Most moments leave little trace. But some do.
Maybe as a teenager you work up the courage to ask your secret crush out, only to be laughed at.
Your vow: “I’m never putting myself out there like that again.”
A few months later, auditions open for the school play. You’d be perfect for the lead, but you convince yourself to settle for a smaller role so you won’t risk rejection. The vow whispers from beneath the surface:
Play it safe. Don’t reach too far.
Or maybe you once confided something vulnerable to your father, only to find out he shared it with someone else. You “got over it,” yet the vow remains:
“It’s safer to hold part of myself back—especially from men.”
Does it stop you from forming relationships?
No.
Does it limit how fully, safely, and authentically you express yourself within them?
Absolutely.
These examples may be simplified, but the patterns are real—and deeply human.
Uncovering Your Own Subconscious Vows
If you’d like to explore your own vows, here is a simple way to begin:
Think of an event, behavior, or pattern from your parents that caused you pain or confusion. For example:
Maybe your mother was distracted or emotionally absent.
Maybe your father carried a lot of anger.
Maybe your sister received all the attention.
From a child’s perspective, each of these moments can trigger an internal promise—an overcorrection meant to protect the heart.
Here are potential subconscious vows that might emerge:
In response to an absent parent
Vow: “I will always be fully present with my children”—sometimes leading to micromanaging their feelings or experiences.In response to an angry parent
Vow: “I will never be angry.”
Because that’s impossible, it becomes: “I will never express anger,” resulting in suppressed needs and peace-keeping at your own expense.In response to a favored sibling
Vow: “I’ll be just like my sister.”
Eventually, you realize you’re not living your life—and begin to wonder who you truly are and what you truly want.
An Invitation
Subconscious vows aren’t failures. They are survival strategies we created as children.
But as adults, we can gently bring them into awareness—and choose new, conscious vows rooted in wisdom rather than fear.
Which vows have shaped you?
And which ones are ready to be rewritten?